This post was featured on the Hope Mommies blog on 8-20-13. To read the entire post, click on the link at the bottom of this excerpt.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m a real sucker for a good chick-flick, especially one with a happy ending. I’ll watch them over and over again, memorizing each line and crying at all the same parts as if I’m watching it for the very first time. Kind of like six years ago when I lost my son, Cohen. I couldn’t stop my mind from replaying every scene of that horrid day over and over again, rehashing every single detail and crying at all the same parts as if I was living the nightmare anew. It was like a movie I could not shut off. A horror flick with no happy ending. My least favorite genre.
I’d like for you to think that I was immediately able to raise my hands and give glory to God after Cohen died. That I never for one moment doubted God’s goodness. That I never had a lapse of faith. But that would be leading you astray. See, I believe that a real relationship with God is not about saying pretty prayers and endlessly quoting scriptures. It’s about honesty, vulnerability, raw emotion, and open communication.
So, I told God exactly how I felt about losing Cohen. I questioned how He could allow this to happen. If I felt like yelling and screaming and kicking my feet like a child, I did it. I figured, He’s God… He can take it. After all, didn’t Jacob wrestle with God and prevail? Sure, it left him crippled, but it was only after Jacob made peace with God and realized that He could not go on without Him that he received God’s blessing. And so my own struggle with God ensued.
As time marched on, so did my anger. I put up a wall around my heart, shrinking back into my shell like a hermit crab. No one was going to hurt me again, including God. But the longer I separated myself from Him, the more I felt I was dying inside of that shell of mine. I finally came to the point where I realized I had to have Him if I wanted to survive. Like Jacob, I had wrestled with God and prevailed. And yes, it left me crippled, but it’s in my weakness that He makes me strong. I also had to come to terms with the fact that God may allow more bad things to happen to me, but I know that He knows what is best. I, like Job, found myself saying, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”
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